It's time for another hit list of things that I hate, and that drive me up the wall. This is inspired by some co-workers thinking it was funny that I got worked up about such little things. Foul language is bound to follow.

  1. Almost Famous- Restaurants like to call everything famous. It seems like every eatery has at least one thing that is supposedly famous. Newsflash--when you are running a dive bar-b-que joint in the suburbs of Atlanta, nothing about your food is remotely famous. I hate that restaurants roll out BRAND NEW ITEMS on their menus, and call them famous. Nothing's more insulting on a menu than a little asterisk that says "New Menu Item" next to a description of "World Famous Potato Salad". Stop butchering the language, and learn how to write a goddamn menu!

  2. Thing I Hate #31- Wait, there aren't 30 other things on this list! AGGGGGHHHHH. It's not cute to act like you have come up with fake lists of rules or facts or wise sayings and then pick out random numbers as if you really had a list somewhere. Stop it. If you want to give me a silly fact on a sign, or want to have 'rules of this or that', then just put the damn rules on something, but don't act like "rule 71" is really preceeded by 70 other rules. What if I'm curious and want to read them all? They don't exist, so don't be a tease!

  3. Cute Computers- Look, I know some dweeb is sitting at a desk somewhere writing all the error message text prompts that show up with a server can't find a page or a website is down, so there's no reason to try and make those messages seem more cordial and cute than informative. I especially hate it when sysadmins have added insincere little jabs like "The message you sent could not be delivered. I have given up trying. Sorry, I was getting tired." Fuck. You. "You" are a machine and all I need to know is that the mail couldn't be delivered, not that some sysadmin has anthropomorphized you so much that he thinks you have feelings. Google's g-mail was down just now and it said "Cross your fingers and try back in a few minutes." No, no thanks, I don't think I will. I don't want an automated computer response telling me to cross my fingers.

  4. Personable VRU- This is similar to the above, but it's over the phone. When I call to check my bank balance, or pay my gas bill, I need the Voice Response Unit to recognize the numbers I am saying and give me information. What I do NOT need is a voice that sounds strangely detached and synthetic, but still emotive saying, "oh gee, I'm sorry, I'm still not understanding you. Let's try something else." Hey VRU bitch--there is no US, so there is no LET'S. You are a fucking machine, so talk like one. I don't need the pitiful sound of the machine faking that it's distressed that it can't figure out my account number. I don't need synthetic sympathy, I need a VRU that can tell the difference between "NO" and "FUCK YOU, GET ME THE OPERATOR YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

  5. Screwing on the Cap- This is so simple that it hardly needs to be said, but somehow, it DOES need to be said. When you are sharing a 2-liter type bottle of soda with a group, have the decency to replace the lid with some effort when you are done pouring yourself a cup. It's as if no one has ever experienced flat soda. No one likes that shit, right? And everyone knows what makes the soda flat, right? So why can't anyone figure out how to replace a lid on a bottle? The next person will be able to get the lid off even if you twist it firmly to keep the carbonation from escaping, I promise. So please, for the sake of people who make lists like these because the little things DO ADD UP, just screw the cap on good.

That is all.